Just Like Betty

It was January of my last year of high school when I met Howard. I was seventeen. In March of that same year, I moved out on my own and - technically - I lived alone for the year and half before we got married. Except, it's not really living alone when you have a boyfriend. Even though we didn't live together, we were always together and then we got married and we're still "always" together.

This week, I've been living alone but not really. I'm not responsible for earning an income or paying the bills. Instead, I've been living in irresponsible luxury while Howard and the boys are gone. They have been going on this trip together for the past seven years. It's the same week in July every year and usually I invite a friend to come work in the studio with me like I did two years ago or I take a workshop like the one last year in Portland on pant fitting. I make sure that I have my own holiday. This year, I decided to holiday at home and enjoy being in the house free of responsibility, doing whatever I wanted.

As he always does when he's leaving, Howard made sure the car was in good working order and the underground sprinklers were scheduled, that I knew which day was garbage day, and did whatever else needed to be done. He makes life easy for me. On Sunday, he even wanted to go grocery shopping because he and the boys had eaten all the eggs that morning and, with my developing allergies, he knows that eggs have become a staple for me. At the store, he carried "my" basket as I dropped in beets and asparagus and red onions and turnips and all sorts of other things that only I love. He said, it's not hard to tell you're home alone this week. Too funny - and yet...

... there is a certain wonderfulness about living alone and doing exactly what you please. I've been getting up when I want, going to bed when I want, eating what I want, and doing what I want all day with no thoughts to anyone else. I went on a road trip Tuesday, had coffee with two different friends on Wednesday, shopped and read yesterday, and I plan to sew this morning, have coffee with a friend this afternoon, and go knitting tonight. I've cleaned closets and cupboard and fridges in-between and tomorrow I'll clean house but basically I've been bopping through the week playing at whatever takes my fancy. I'm having fun and yet on a certain level I've been aware that life would be radically different if I was truly alone.

I thought a lot about living alone the other day while sitting on the porch, sipping iced coffee, and writing in my journal. Eventually, there will be two of us. Jessica has already moved out. Aryck is close to finishing his university courses. Kyle is getting older by the minute. He'll graduate in two years and move on to university after that. Then - at some point - there will only be one of us. If I was left alone, I would miss Howard dreadfully. We have a lot of fun together. But, I wouldn't want that to be the end of living life fully. I know that reality is different than theory however, as I think about, I vow to keep learning and growing and exploring and being fully who I am and to do that, I need to be learning and growing and exploring and being fully who I am NOW.

A blog I've started reading is Karen - Of A Certain Age. Yesterday she posted about Betty, a woman who at 86 looks better in her jeans than many woman in their thirties. Betty is obviously a free spirit. Karen wanted to grow up just like Betty. Me too! Without any details of her life, the photos alone inspired me to be independent, individual, unique, and me now and all through my life. As I try to figure out what's next, that's the message I'm getting over and over lately.

Yesterday's The Painter's Keys was about running out of time. In it, Robert talked about Randy Pausch, a professor of computer science who died at age 47 from pancreatic cancer. When Randy retired from the university where he taught to spend his remaining time with his family, he gave The Last Lecture. If you haven't watched this YouTube video or read the book - do it. It'll make you think.

In particular, I've thought about what is - and what isn't - a waste of time. I pray and I get answers but I'm not always clear what they are. Often, I wish God would speak louder into the mike. And yet - I think - He must be having quite the laugh looking down on me thinking that silly girl. Here, let me tell her again. For the last few weeks, I've been getting these "get to it now" messages over and over and I am starting to get it - slowly. The waste of time is thinking about whether the thing you want to do is a waste of time while sitting on your butt doing nothing. JUST GO DO IT!

Women in particular find it difficult to do the thing that they want to do for themselves. It's not selfish. It's self care. Each day since closing the business, I've been relaxing more and more. On a certain level, it feels like I've been wasting time, doing nothing, meandering through the day and yet, coming down from all that stress has been so positive. I was so stressed, for so long, that it had become so normal that I didn't even know that's how stressed I was.

As I relax, the thing that impacts me in particular is the thought that sewing up my stash, making too many clothes for my lifestyle, in fabrics and fashions that may or may not suit me, is NOT a waste of time. Sitting on my couch thinking about whether or not I should sew up the fabric in my stash while it sits there bought and unused is the complete and utter waste. What are you wasting that you'd love to get to now? Will you?

Have a great weekend - Myrna

Grateful: repeat messages