The Bottom Line

Edited July 9/09 - I've begun the process of closing my business of twenty years. In order for this blog to evolve to one that is about my personal journey with life and creativity, rather than one that is a marketing tool, I have deleted any "while in business" postings made prior to today's date.

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With Arts & Crafts Club and Knit Night both on the same day, I do a lot of knitting on Tuesdays. The bamboo sweater is almost finished. No pictures yet. I'll sew up the side seams and then try it on and decide if the neck band works or not. It didn't come out "like the picture" and I'm not sure I like the way it does look. I may try again.




My new project is the V-Neck Cardigan from Paton's Next Steps series with a few changes. My friend Rosemarie said that's so me, that I'm always doing something just a little bit different with whatever I'm working on. What an interesting observation. That didn't used to be me.

I used to follow all the "rules" for fear of getting "it" wrong and being rejected in some way - of not being liked or wanted - and then I made a decision that truly put me on the outside and found it a fabulous place to be. It's a relief to actually be living my own life rather than the life others think I should live.

Not that I'm a huge RULE BREAKER - as in murder and theft - I'm a minor Rule Breaker - as in living outside the box, adding my own twist, making choices that are not mainstream, and doing things my way. For me, this is a much happier place to be. Life will never be 100% perfect for any of us however, I have found a lot more joy in a life lived from within rather than one lived from other's expectations.

This change in my way of being started small, just a twinkle of the idea of doing something different, and it has spread to many areas of my life. In knitting, the above yarn would be an example. I bought the rayon boucle on the left a few years ago and have knit swatches using different needle sizes. With a size 0, the yarn still looked too lace-like for me and the small needles were uncomfortable to hold and hard to knit with (as in no fun) so I mixed it with the indigo coloured, jean inspired, cotton yarn on the right. That may seem like a no-brainer, but it's not something I would have done "before".




The combination produces this gorgeous fabric. All night, I kept smoothing my hand over the piece enjoying how it's turning out. I've adapted the pattern. My gauge was 18 stitches to 4" and the pattern gauge was 15 stitches to 4" so I'm knitting a size that is 20% bigger to compensate. I'm also making the sweater 2" longer, changing the ribbed band to 5" wide, using three quarter instead of full length sleeves, and smaller buttons. These changes will flatter my body type better and feel more comfortable.

It's hard to explain if you don't understand but at one time, I would have needed to find a pattern for the exact gauge and the exact changes. I would not have been able to wing it on my own nor would I have been okay with the project working out or not working out. If I finished the sweater and it didn't fit or flatter, I'd have been devastated and felt guilty for wasting all that time, money, and energy. Not so anymore. Now, I enjoy the process and the results are a bonus.

This ability developed after my Year of Play in 2004. It was both a great year and a really rough one and massively changed how I approach life. I'm so thrilled I took that time because - in particular - it taught me how to roll with the punches of life much better than I did previously and life is full of punches. I've come to another one.

Since my talk last week with the insurance company and on Sunday with Carolina at the gallery, I've been torn back and forth between going ahead with and not going ahead with my business. After 20 years, it could be true that I am on the verge of achieving a higher level of success but even so, what is that higher level? Without facts, it's pretty hard to make decisions especially financial ones.

In terms of sales of pieces, just this past quarter has been a higher level of success. I've sold three pieces and have interest in two more. However, the sale of three pieces barely covers my expenses for this year and that has become the bottom line. I can no longer afford to continue to do what I do. It's a relief to look at that cold hard fact and allow it to let me make a decision. I spent most of Monday talking to friends and we all came to this same conclusion. It's wonderful to have that support.

It feels like - and it probably sounds like - I've been making this decision over and over, putting it down and then picking it up again. That's most likely true. I've found this past year quite difficult with a tug of war between what I want to do and what I actually can do. This time has to be different because whether it's advertising upcoming classes, writing book drafts, or creating art pieces, adding canvasses, and shipping them to galleries, everything I do is on speculation. The expenses are paid up front with the hope of sales to follow. There is no guarantee of sales and - in many cases - they never materialize. At one time, my teaching covered these expenses. Without teaching, that ability is no longer there, our family can't continue to take the financial risk, and I can't continue to take the emotional one.

Things that are entirely possible to do right now have continuously been put off for the possibility of something else. For example, right now in my studio I have a pattern, fabric, thread, and buttons. I could sew a blouse and I've been wanting to for a long time. Instead, I've been creating pieces to go to galleries where they might sell but most likely will not. I've reached the point where that is no longer acceptable. I'm no longer willing to put my wants and needs off for a possible higher level of success. I intend to create one right here, right now by choosing to quit one thing and start another.

When I talk about quitting, my friends get upset. What they don't realize is that I'm not talking about quitting being creative. That isn't possible. What I'm talking about is quitting being in business. I'll continue to be creative only from a personal perspective - for my body and my home. That's completely different.

It's been a long time since my studio was a personal space as opposed to a working one. I wonder what that will feel like. I'm really excited to find out. At the same time, my hope is that Carolina at the Aspha Naira Gallery will continue to take two or three of my pieces each year. That would "keep my hand in" and give me a place to send the pieces that I just know are going to bubble up and want to be created.

My last business commitment is the exhibit in January. Three pieces are finished, three are nearing completion and there are three left to create. They're turning out really well, which is VERY exciting. It's going to be a fabulous show. Perhaps at some point in the future, things will shift once again and I'll return to art and teaching as a business. There is always that possibility. Just because it's not working right now doesn't mean it might not come around again. On the flip side, I may find a new path that is equally enjoyable and more successful in a combination of ways. We'll see.

Meanwhile, I'm watching for an appropriate part-time job. I won't apply for anything that doesn't work for our family structure but when a position comes up that might work, we'll see if they hire me and if they do, how my working outside the home works for our family. It's been so long since I've worked for someone else that it's a bit of an unknown. There are pros and cons.

What I'm really curious about is comparing the two. Perhaps, I'll get a job and love it so much that I never want to be self employed again and perhaps, I'll get a job and hate it so much that it renews my enthusiasm and energy for developing a business. It'll be interesting to compare.

I'm waiting to hear if the blog is considered a part of my business since that's the perspective from which I've written it. If it is, once my insurance runs out, any issues that might arise will no longer be covered which means other changes. I don't know what those are right now. What I do know...

... is that I'm about to get dressed, drive Kyle to work, run a quick errand, and then spend the entire day home alone working in my studio on the Line & Shape pieces. If the sun comes out, I'll take a break to go for a walk. A friend might drop by for coffee. YES YES - it's going to be a great day.

Take care - Myrna

Grateful: a final decision and growing bubbles of enthusiasm around a change of perspective in my studio and toward creativity, to say nothing of - LOL - a growing wardrobe. FASHIONS - YES YES!!!!!