Finding A New Normal

When my teaching career ended so suddenly, it was a difficult transition. There was "stuff" to process. Blogging began to feel like I was falling apart in public and then - thankfully - it evolved and settled as things tend to do with time. I'm waiting for the same thing to happen now, to find a new normal after going back to work.

I enjoy my job. I particularly enjoy talking to customers about their projects. I like getting out of the house and interacting with other people and then leaving work at work and going home. That part is going as hoped. What isn't working yet is balance. I thought that working part time would leave me plenty of time to sew. So far, I don't have the energy and spend most evenings reading. I'd like that to change.

When I'm working, the mornings are more rushed. There isn't as much time to blog as I'd like especially on days when the words are stiff (like today) and it seems as if I can't get my point across and I'm rattling on about nothing. I want to blog and yet this is not a good feeling so I'm taking the pressure off of myself. While I aim to blog five times a week, I'm accepting that it might not happen knowing that eventually I'll find the flow again.

As you know, I'm reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I don't think I've ever read a book this slowly. I read it bit by bit in the mornings with coffee before work. The quotes in today's posting are all from chapter nine, which was written in September of her happiness year.

Of all the months so far, September had been the most pleasant and easiest to maintain. This showed me, once again, that I was happier when I accepted my own real likes and dislikes, instead of trying to decide what I ought to like; I was happier when I stopped squelching the inclinations toward note taking and book marking that I'd had since childhood and instead embraced them. As Michael de Montague observed, "The least strained and most natural ways of the soul are the most beautiful; the best occupations are the least forced."

One of her "rules" for the project was to "be Gretchen". That's something we all could embrace, being ourselves. I am not who I am not. I am who I am. How can I be the best me? It's not by forcing myself to do or be something that I'm not able to do or be. While I like to read and write and sew, right now, the reading part of me is dominating. That's okay. It's a balance to the active part of me at work. It will all come together eventually if I don't but pressure on myself to be more than I am able to be at this time.

Of course, it's not enough to sit around wanting to be happy; you must make the effort to take steps toward happiness by acting with more love, finding work you enjoy, and all the rest. But for me, asking myself whether I was happy had been a crucial step toward cultivating my happiness more wisely through my actions. Also, only through recognizing my happiness did I really appreciate it. Happiness depends partly on external circumstances and it also depends on how you view those circumstances.

There has been a lot of difficult stuff to deal with over the years in our lives and I'm sure in everyone's lives. It isn't always pleasant. It isn't always desirable. It isn't always wanted or chosen BUT... what is, is. It can't be changed. All we can change is our choices of action over our reaction. That's not always easy but it's definitely more positive. For me, choice of action allows me to feel more balanced and grounded and less flung around by the whims of fate. It certainly not a big thing in the scope of a life but I'm much happier accepting that it's okay not to come home from work and sew and write each night. Instead of trying to be all things, I'm allowing myself the space to do what I am able at this time. That's good and enough for now, however...

I needed to accept my own nature yet I needed to push myself as well. This seemed contradictory, but in my heart, I knew the difference between lack of interest and fear of failure.

... I know from experience that taking the pressure off will most likely allow me to find a new normal. Sometimes, I'm my own worst enemy trying to be this or that when I'm not gifted with it or inclined toward it or even interested. I just think I should. Other times, I want to do something quite badly but I'm afraid of starting for fear of failing. That's so normal. On one hand, we need to stand back and give ourselves room and on the other we need need to push forward. Balance again. It's so a part of everything. I'm pushing myself more gently.

One thing that makes a passion enjoyable is that you don't have to worry about results. You can strive for triumph, or you can potter around, tinker, explore, without worrying about efficiency or outcomes. Other people may wonder why you've been happy to work on the same car for years even though it's still not running, but that doesn't matter to you. An atmosphere of growth brings great happiness, but at the same time, happiness sometimes also comes when you're free from the pressure to see much growth. That's not surprising; often, the opposite of a great truth is also true.

My friend Wendy took up quilting about nine years ago. In that time, she has completed two quilts and is part way through a third. She sews between two and eight hours a month. It took her an entire year to add another row to the quilt for her son when she wanted to make it larger. She says this is her hobby. She does it for fun. She doesn't want any pressure to perform. She just wants to relax and enjoy. That's a good example for me.

When I was creating textile art, I learned a new way of working by starting, doing one step at a time, and responding to the developing piece until it said it was finished. It's a fabulous way to create art, one that I really enjoy. Through that method, I learned to embrace the process and let go of results. I changed my attitude from one of being results oriented into one of enjoying the journey. I need to apply that process and Wendy's philosophy to my current situation. It's about fun. It's about the journey. It's about doing the thing that I love to the best of my ability. It's about continued growth and learning without the pressure to perform. It's about enjoyment and relaxation. What do you think?

Talk soon - Myrna

Grateful - perspective