Last night, we had dinner on the back patio. It only took seven years. When we moved in, the back yard was a complete mess. Last summer, the deck was - finally - poured and the rock wall in place and we could have sat out there only Howard had back surgery in June and wasn't moving too fast, never mind down the stairs and out and around the house. A staircase off our upper deck will - eventually - make it easier to get to the patio which is just outside my studio. It's lovely to have a cleaner view and a peaceful place to sit and read or hand sew.
This is my 500th posting and I'm struggling to write it. In the past, there has been a topic ready and waiting but not today so I went back and read the 100th, 200th, 300th, and 400th postings to see if they would inspired me somehow. What intrigued me was how the things that I talked about are either no longer important, are even more important, or are aspects of my life that I am still attempting to deal with. Time changes some things and others not at all.
Lately, I have felt rather bland as if I'm not stretching and challenging myself enough, not learning new things. While working outside the home has been an adjustment, it has been six months already so that's not the good excuse it used to be although working has meant a shift in our schedule. We're eating dinner later and going to bed earlier with less hours in-between.
The attempt to find balance was a re-occurring theme. That's normal. While there may be small pockets of balance within our lives, it's an objective that is evasive and constantly shifting because life is always shifting. Each time it does, balance must be reattained. When I was younger, I had grand ambitions and could condense many things into a few hours. Now, that just makes me tired. Instead, I think about what's important, what's doable, how can I combine things, what can I let go of.
Howard and I were married in 1981, just at the start of a major recession. In our discussion about finances the other night, we talked about how our life looked then and the ways of being that we could bring back into our current lifestyle. In that discussion, we were far more realistic than we were 30 years ago. We know our limitations. We know that we don't want to climb high mountains and swim deep oceans. We want to live peacefully, wisely, together. It wasn't a discussion of blame or assignment in the you should be doing this or that way. It was a discussion around what each of us was willing to do and what each of us needed help to accomplish. I can clean the house. I cannot cook every day. Things like that.
Looking back is a method I often employ when a particular area of my life isn't going well. I'll ask myself when was the last time _____ worked and what did that look like? My answers often alert me to what I could do differently. For example - recently - I've been thinking about walking again. I don't really want to. I'd rather sit at home and sew or read only I want to be flexible and toned and walking provides (doable and inexpensive) regular exercise, it provides space in which to think and plan, and it provides time to pray and be grateful - all of which I would like more of in my life. Walking is an answer.
Last week, I ordered several DVDs from Palmer/Pletsch on various aspects of sewing. I'm looking forward to receiving them and learning from them and I'm concerned that I am becoming too microscopically focused and less multi-dimensional. I wonder am I boring - to myself - to others? Since going back to work in January, I have not been watching Oprah and now that's no longer an option. While I didn't always agree with the opinions expressed on the show, watching it exposed me to topics and thoughts and ideas that were not available in other areas of my life. I miss that and will need to find a new way to accomplish this... goal.
I wrote goal in that last sentence, then crossed it out, then put it back in. I've always been goal oriented but lately, this has also been missing. There are no big projects that I'm working on like writing a book or preparing for an exhibit. There are no topics that I'm exploring like how to sew bras or jeans. The only thing that tickles is that I do want to learn more about photography, both about taking photos and about manipulating them only...
... learning about photography is not a new thought. I've expressed it before. To accomplish it, I will need to get over my self consciousness. I'm not there yet so it's a goal whose time hasn't come but may eventually. Many of the blogs I read have fabulous photography - especially Handmade by Carolyn - that I find inspiring. To attain that level, I will need to do something different. I'm not ready.
Over the years, I have learned that there are times to put pressure on yourself to create change and there are times to relax, breath, and be still. I can do many things but not all things. Not every path needs be explored. Every goal has a time and a season. Relationships are what life is about, the most important thing - with my family, my friends, my faith, my self.
The relationship we have with ourselves is one that many people over look. In the busyness of life, we don't stop to think about what we like or dislike, what we know or don't know, what we need or don't need, what we want to learn, what we want to let go of, what we hope for, what we're grateful for. Our relationship with our self is one that requires great care and attention and nurturing and love. Who we are is amazing. A gift.
I'm not going to beat myself up for this feeling of blandness. What would be the point? Instead, I see it as an indicator of the need for change. I'm thinking about what is needed, how that might look, and how to move in that direction. YES YES
Talk soon - Myrna
Grateful - this every 100 posts chance to evaluate and a field trip day to spend nurturing my self
Happy 500th Post, Myrna! You always have something interesting to say.
ReplyDeleteBTW, the older we get the more we have to decide what's important to us. We might have more time but we have less energy to spend. Good to reevaluate frequently. However exercise becomes ever more imperative to stay well and, if you don't overdo it, it actually energizes you. I also find myself bribing me to finish a less-interesting task by promising something fun afterwards! Don't worry. You'll find your balance.
Interesting post. I do a lot of nostalgic thinking. Something I'm accutely aware of, what you call your "blandness", I think is age-related. I don't have the hopes, dreams or excitement that I had as a young woman. I miss those feelings.
ReplyDeleteMyrna, I'm feeling bland most days, too, and, with each birthday, realize with dismay that energy, stamina and self-direction are trickling out the bottom of my hourglass. Your blog connects me again with Kamloops (hope I guessed right), the North Shore Fabricland and earlier years when I felt absolutely anything was possible and within my reach. Give yourself a gift & do your walking; it will raise your mood and give you time to think. Thank you for everything you share with us.
ReplyDeleteI had to think about this post for a while before I could respond. I recognized myself in "not having goals, deadlines and checklists". I think I miss this "busy-ness" but I don't miss most of the other work related issues like people who won't behave professionally or having to get up and go to work when I've had a bad night. I don't miss being dead tried all the time either. I never got enough sleep when working. Like the others, I no longer have any burning personal desires. So yes there is a blandness at times in my life, but I prefer it to those tired, aggrevated working days.
ReplyDeleteThe blandness is maddening while we live through it, but often leads to new and exciting changes. I prefer to think of them as fallow times, when the seeds of new growth are sleeping under the surface, biding their time until ready to pop into bloom. Or as "ordinary" times, as in the liturgical sense of day following day following day in calm, unhurried order; time to spend evaluating and resting and preparing for the next great festival. It helps that I've lived for over 50 years: it took a long time to learn to value the ordinary days.
ReplyDeleteI prefer to think of these times of blandness as a time of waiting, much like a previous commenter noted, as fallow times. They are necessary, this rest before the next period of growth and excitement, when everything settles and waits in readiness for the next spurt of excitement. When I was young I worried about them, the mellow times, though I called them empty then, but now I recognize how necessary they are for health, happiness, and yes growth.
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