Point of Connection

Years (and years and years) ago, I purchased Pattern Master Boutique, a software for designing custom fitted patterns. With the purchase, I dreamed of simply plotting my numbers in and printing out patterns that fit. NOT. It wasn't that easy. In fact, it was downright difficult and frustrating for a VERY long time. The chat group, although friendly, was not particularly helpful. There were too many opinions and even when I singled out the voices that appeared to know what they were talking about, they often disagreed.

One voice that I particularly enjoyed was a woman from San Francisco who knew an incredible amount about sewing and could reference this or that book or technique with ease. She seemed to be an avid sewer and collector of all things sewing whether information or tools. And then her voice disappeared. When I reconnected with her a couple years later, she told me about the moulage method using Lynda Maynard's book DeMystifying Fit.

Lynda's method was the final click that I'd been looking for. With it, I found a method for adapting commercial patterns so that they would fit me and through that process, I learned how to use the PMB software - finally. I am so excited about sewing fashions more often and about sewing more challenging fashions in the next few months. It feels like there's a whole world of excitement ahead of me.

My friend, on the other hand, is no longer sewing. For her the challenge was to get good fit and once she'd achieved that, sewing no longer inspired her. She has moved on to photography. She no longer emails and while I could email her to ask a question and she would answer it, our point of connection has basically ended and therefore so has our relationship. At one time, I would have found that very difficult - and sometimes I still do - but mostly I'm learning that letting go is part of the process of moving forward and of being healthy.

On December 19th, I wrote - It's decided. My word for 2009 will be connect, which works in countless ways. I want to connect...

... with my healthy self
... with improved balance between work and play
... with my artist in increasing ways
... with healthy relationships
... with other artists
... with networking opportunities
... with exhibiting opportunities
... with publishing opportunities
... with teaching opportunities
... with collectors who admire my work

Did I randomly write that list or were the items written in the order that I thought was important? I'm not sure. What I know now - eight months later - is that the list has evolved. That's quite fascinating.

When I wrote about other artists, about networking, exhibiting, publishing, and teaching opportunities, and about collectors who admire my work, in my mind I was still trying to keep the business going and holding on to what was. Now when I read that list, I realize that I need to disconnect from all of those ideas in order to connect with what is coming in the future. I have no idea what that will be but I do know that it is impossible to see what is ahead of you when your neck is craned over your shoulder looking at the past. That part of my life is over.

On October 4th, I will have finished all of my business commitments until the exhibit mid January for which I only need to show up and enjoy. I am focusing on being in this moment, really experiencing it, and then on saying goodbye to that dream so that I am open and available to what is coming my way. The second texture piece is almost complete. I hope to finish it today and the third one by next Monday and then bind and mount them all in the following two weeks. The conclusion feels organized, doable, nearly complete, and quite wonderful.

I'm letting go of 60% of the written list and while I doubt it was a conclusive list, the fact that over half the items no longer apply leaves the remaining focus on aspects that are about my whole and healthy self. Isn't that interesting? Perhaps I find it so because the greatest area of difficulty I experienced after starting my business twenty years ago was balance. It was hard to separate work and play and to put aside thinking about and doing things for the business in order to think about and do things around my self, my family, or our home. One of the things I am the most excited about right now is the fact that my studio will once again be a private creative space rather than a work one. Even now, when I come in here, my mind focuses on completely different things.

Last week as I was pulling into the driveway, it felt as if I was just moving in even though we've lived in this house for five years. It feels as if I will finally have the time and the energy and the ability to nest, to make a home. Perhaps the pendulum is swinging too far the other way and I will once again have to look at the balance between work and play not because of too much work but because of too much play. Time will tell.

Meanwhile, my plan for connecting with a healthy balance between work and play is to first take a holiday and then look for a job that meets the criteria on my list which includes part time work, no evenings and weekends, and a decent hourly wage. I am being open to those opportunities should they appear however, I am no longer striving to make them happen. I'm trusting and flowing, something highly unusual for me but, as I said earlier, I've tried the working hard routine and that wasn't getting me anywhere so...

This year, a huge part of connecting with my healthy self has included connecting with healthy relationships by looking more closely at what is a healthy relationship and what is my part in that relationship and where do I give/expect too much and where am I receiving/expecting too little. Unfortunately, I've been quite hurt by three relationships that ended badly this year. Three is a considerable loss for someone who values relationships more than anything else. It has made me draw back and become more guarded in other relationships than I would normally be. That might not be all bad. I'm still working this out. As I told you in an early posting, I've begun matching the other person's actions and I'm finding that quite helpful to any expectations. On the flip side, after many years of looking, it appears that I have made one new friend through Arts & Crafts and that two other relationships are becoming stronger. Again, time will tell.

Whole health refers to the spiritual, financial, relational, emotional, and physical aspects of self. When I think about that list and how I want to apply it to the goal of connecting with my healthy self, the thoughts that come to mind are daily readings and journal writing - regular exercise - cooking and eating healthy, allergy free meals and learning to enjoy cooking - adjusting to less cash flow - working on healthy relationships in part by letting go of unrealistic expectations and in part by learning to increasingly enjoy time spent with myself - and things like spending time in my garden, organizing and cleaning my home, and painting and decorating my home so that I feel more like we've moved in and less like we're passing through.

As you can see, connecting with my healthy self will improve almost every area of my life. Don't you think that's interesting? I do because I've long been of the opinion that if women would practice improved self care every other area of their lives would flow more easily. Even though I've been aware of (and taught) self care, I haven't always practiced it as best I could. That's normal. When we become aware of an area of disfunction, we have an opportunity to correct. I'm so grateful to have an end date for the business and a start date for an extended transition period. It's going to be amazing as I learn focus in new directions.

Part of my excitement is because during that transition period I'll be connecting with my artist in increasing ways. When I wrote that item, I'm pretty sure I was thinking about textile paintings and about improving my artistic abilities in that genre. Now, I realize that I'll be connecting with my artist through gardening and cooking and decorating and sewing fashions and in numerous other ways that I've not given much priority to over the past few years - personal ways. It's pretty hard to describe how thrilling that is.

A few days ago, I discovered a website called The Uniform Project. It's a year long project about sustainability and about raising funds for schooling in India. You can read more about it on the website. What I found fascinating is that Akanksha is going to wear the same dress for a year in all sorts of creative ways. If you click on the calendar at the left, you can see how she has worn the dress each day since May 1st. As an artist, I find her project inspiring because...

... what I know for a fact is that series work really stretches our creativity. The structure of a series (... the black dress) provides the edges within which our creativity must and can flow. As I close the business and move through this transition phase and discover what is next, I have similar edges in which my healthy balanced self can flow and flourish. I have spent a lot of time at this website since discovering it because it encourages, motivates, inspires, and calms me. YES YES!

Yesterday was Aryck's 20th birthday. Two of our children are now in their twenties with only one teenager left. In a way that seems sad and in another, it's the way of life and how symbolic is it that I started the business when Aryck was born and I'm closing it as he emerges into adulthood. Children (and businesses and dreams) are going to get older, grow up, and move on whether we want them to or not. Enjoying what is is the best choice. And I do. I think my children are - and the future is - completely fascinating.

Birthdays are very special at our house. I've talked about that before, about how a birthday is such an amazing day and how I can't imagine not celebrating the day of your own birth or of someone you love. Everybody does it differently. This is our way. The day is all about the birthday person including food. We eat the birthday person's favourites for dinner.

Aryck (after much prodding) finally asked for corn chowder and mocha mouse. He was hesitant because I can no longer eat either of those foods. How sweet. To make all of us feel better about what I couldn't eat, I made the men soup and pie and myself foods that only I enjoy like salmon, zucchini, and beets. It was a yummy dinner for all of us. We missed including our daughter and son-in-law. I wish they could have been here.

It was a fabulous idea to review my word of the year, to look at how it fits, and at how it has already evolved over these past months. I'm glad I took the time. A real point of connection for me is the focus on healthy - what is the healthiest spiritual, financial, emotional, relational, and physical choice that I could make? Have a great day. I'm off to work on the second texture piece. Hopefully, it'll be finished today.

Talk soon - Myrna

Grateful - progress around connecting to my healthy self